Where Did My Playfulness Go

 

                                       Kids playing on the streets of London (1955s)

Maybe you remember my story about how I stoped yawning? Today is another one - how I forgot to play. I stopped it — or maybe almost never began.

When I look back, I see small islands of real play — climbing trees, spontaneous dancing in the kitchen, racing on roller skates and bikes with friends from neighbourhood, long summer evenings, not worrying about a thing, only to come back home on time. When I am writing this - I can still feel the rush of endorphins in my body. The light glimmer. 

 But as I grew older, those moments quietly disappeared and morphed into doing something purposeful. Productive. Painting, sewing, designing - creativity, but is it the same as laughing until your stomach hurts? Doing something without a goal. 

As I grew older, the pressures of life piled up. Society, adulthood, and responsibility all whispered the same message:

There’s no time for silly things.
You have to work, learn, take care, worry about the future, you are a grown up woman, forget the play. You must to achieve, to have perfect family life and career, like in movies from 90ties. Perfectation. 
How can you play when the world is so serious?

Uch, now Meg Ryan is having rent free time in my head and I know what I will watch in the bathtub: You've Got Mail

And then came the years of illness. My body started to treat excitement as danger. I remember jumping on a trampoline and limping for days afterward, catching colds after every outing. Slowly but surely my amygdala started working overtime, I understand her - we didn't have answers why it is happening. Joy became scary. 

When the body already has a tendency to survival states and rigidity, extra stress and uncertainty piles on top. Play happens in the overlap between ventral and sympathetic states according to Polyvagal theory. It is unique combination. You have to have enough ventral safety and sympathetic activation. But if you don't have that safety and if activation feels threatening?

When the nervous system lives too long in stress or trauma, it begins to mistrust aliveness.
It confuses activation and even ventral energy with threat.
So laughter, curiosity, even spontaneous movement — can feel unsafe.

If you recognise yourself in this text, try to find one or few moments during the week, the things, which softens you, brings smile back on your face, awakens your chest with warmness and curiosity. You may hear your inner critic at first, so start slow, start gently, remind your amygdala that your world will not and if you spend a few minutes enjoying  yourself.